A Book Pitch
Synopsis: The Adventures of Earnest and Fun Couch is a children’s book that tells the story of two couches (Ernest and Fun Couch) meeting with other household furniture, going on an adventure after the adults have utilized them
Category: Sex-ed literature
Audience: Children aged 6-8, those with promiscuous parents, kids who ask too many questions about stains
Other characters: Burt the Creaking Bed, Sharon the Shower Stall, Kandice the Kitchen Counter, Benjamin the Balcony Railing¹— they all go through the same experience as Earnest and Fun Couch, as adults come and sit on them²
Villain: Lazarus the Lysol Wipe
Plot: On a sunny September day, Earnest realizes one of his legs is hurting. His friend from across the house, Fun Couch, comes over to investigate. They suspect that it might be a result of their parents, Rod and Fellatia having “sat” on Earnest too rigourously. They go around the house, finding similar things having happened to Burt the bed, Sharon the shower stall, Kandice the kitchen counter, Benjamin the balcony railing, and also, to their utter surprise, Steve the stove (“they turned me on… before they turned me on!”)
As they get closer to figuring out the mystery as to why they have suffered those injuries and stains, Lazarus the Lysol Wipe enters and prevents them from confronting Rod and Fellatia. Lazarus declares that his cleaning properties will erase all evidence and smells, and there will be no traces of anything, as that’s just how Rod— who is at work at the steel plant right now— wants it.
Earnest and his pals fend off each obstacle Lazarus throws their way, and in the end, finds Whitey the Policeman Who Has Been Acquitted Of Shooting A Black Kid Twenty Times During a Traffic Stop, to tell him everything. However, Whitey needed proof that something illegal was done, and Earnest has none…
…Until Fun Couch realizes that Fellatia left her elementary school student ID in one of his crevices.
With this, Whitey arrests Rod and Lazarus, and all the furniture in the house can rejoice again and live peacefully!
Moral: (Children) Do not enter any rooms after you hear creaking/bouncing/grunting/shrieking/cracking/disappointed female sighs or forced superlatives (“I had such a great minute and a twenty two seconds!”)
(Adults) Consider your legs and the furniture legs/Don’t do illegal things/Invest in a gag
Sequel: The Adventures of Larry The Law being interpreted by Jeremiah the Judge Who is Hell Bent On Acquitting Rod Because of The Brotherhood of Penis and Other Stupid Bullshit Because They Can Get Away With It