A Guide to Sex
1) Remove clothing
2) Remove partner’s clothing
3) Remove third party’s clothing (if present)
4) Check if partner is conscious (note: unless it is preferred that the other party remains unconscious*, pulseless*, etc*.)
5) Check if respective parties are aroused
- In regard to females, it can be determined by the dampness of the vaginal area, the hardness of one’s nipples, and the willingness they are to accept a man’s bullshit (ie. “I love you”)
- In regard to males, skip this step
6) Insert genitalia into suitable area
- Because of the almost infinite amount of possible scenarios, follow this general advice: if it fits, put it in.
- If it shits, also, put it in.
8) If necessary, whisper sweet nothings into partner(s)’ ears. If unnecessary, thrust.
9) Slap/punch/bite/pull hair/squeeze acne/or, thrust
10) When nearing the point of climax:
- Females: Prepare for your partner to desperately beg you to “wait just one more goddamn minute.”
- Young females: Prepare for your partner to force his hand over your mouth while aggressively whispering “Shut the fuck up, my parents can hear!”
- Males: If partner is your wife, proceed to step 11-1 , “ejaculation”. If partner is girlfriend/casual hookup/unconscious and thus requires an absence of any DNA evidence*, proceed to step 11-2, “pulling out and cumming on her tits/face/in other assorted orifices.”
- Young males: Decide whether, in the long run, it is more devastating that your parents caught you in the act but you pulled out in time, or incurring a prolonged jail sentence for pushing her down the stairs– consider carefully.
- Young Christian males: Yup, this is what the church wants you to miss out on. You’ve learned a valuable lesson about the impracticality of your religion.
- Ejaculation (male)– proceed as planned
- Pulling out (male) — If partner is significant other, or one you wish to continue having sexual activities with, aim away from the eyes. If partner is, frankly, a bit whiny, knock yourself out.
- Pulling out (female) — Your boyfriend is probably thinking about some guy named Greg.
- For females, generally– act satisfied and ask, “was it as good for you as it was for me?” . In the rare cases that you are satisfied, consider a purchase of lottery tickets afterwards.
12) Unplanned disappointments
- Females– It is in the best immediate interest of both parties to quietly acknowledge the fact and move on. Though this, of course, does not prohibit you from telling the whole world the next day.
- Males — Stop bitching, it was probably your fault.
13) Pay up, if necessary
- Note: While it may be awkward to suggest then and there, consider withholding part of the payment until a month has passed and no “souvenirs” reveal themselves. The author of this guide learned the hard way and regrets it every time he urinates/defecates/eats.
14) Vacate the premises, preferably after cleaning and tidying– and in appropriate cases, clean and tidy of any incriminating evidences*
15) If desired, have a cigarette. Though in cases where time is pressing– for example, if you have told your wife that you were out for a dinner meeting and it is 7am the next day, or if you see a missing persons report on television– it is not advised that you carry out this mostly ornamental gesture.
*This blog does not claim to offer any legal advice, please consult a lawyer regarding the validity of your actions.